She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
