i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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