my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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