piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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