Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
