I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
