Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
