just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
