i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
