I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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