I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
