i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
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