Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
