My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
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the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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