Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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