I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
