No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
