thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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