i think i have herpe
just one?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
