So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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