My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
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it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
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Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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