I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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