just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
