I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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