Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
