i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
