dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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