Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
