So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
