I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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