I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
