Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
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I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
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She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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