Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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