I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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