the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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