And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special