: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom