Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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