my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
