i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
