I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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