The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My room smells like vodka and shame
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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