I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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