Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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