i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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