She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
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I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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