You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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