Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine