Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?