i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
