Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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