Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.