Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
People in love make me want to vomit
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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