he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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