Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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