I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Welp...herpes.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
